A while back, Tommy and I thought of a sketch where we play a two guys who run a talent agency for celebrity speakers. The joke was that when the speakers showed up, they were dwarves dressed as the celebrities and we would claim that the client never read the fine print. Get it? Because the print was small. And so were the dwarves. “What a genius idea,” we thought. Then we would drink 20 more beers, eat a buffalo chicken pizza and I would watch Tommy fist fight an ATM, which had an even deeper meaning when a Springsteen song was on. From the corner I would tearfully shout, “you don’t let him talk to you like that!”
Anyhow, we decided to to move forward with this project because we had nothing else going on. This was before Tommy was the voice in a Disney movie and I gained Reddit recognition (just gave away the meaning of my ankle tattoo) for my short film about gay cavemen. Nowadays we literally throw money at each other as we urinate freely into our John Varvatos jeans.*
We started with local talent agencies, one of which said, “yeah there used to be a midget around here but no one has seen him in a while,” as if we were asking for a fucking Chupacabra. We did find a talent agency that books “little” actors specifically. It’s important to note that the sketch was about these two incompetent losers using false advertising to make money, we had not interest in “tossing midgets” or “putting salsa in their sombreros for dinner parties.” The guy didn’t like “what we were up to,” which I imagine is the number one suspicion amongst little people. If I was a little person I would draw my knife every time someone bent at the hip or had a finger full of peanut butter.
I’m sure most calls this company receives go something like this:
Douche: Hi, do you rent midgets?
Agent: We provide actors who are specifically little people. Is this for a film role?
Douche: I can film it, sure. (Audible slap [high five] in background)
The casting agency refused to work with us because of our budget, which was nothing.
Dwarves will not be made to look foolish unless you have a foolish amount of money. “Dwarf Money” (Showbiz Term).
So Tommy and I took to Film.org with a posting labeled: Dwarf Actor Needed. And although the project was a disaster, we still managed to pull this gem from the wreckage. This was an email received from a man named George who, despite his complete lack of acting experience, was more than capable due to his experience with having children (a form of little person).
*Tommy and I are still very poor and could greatly benefit from your money.